You do it to yourself, you do…

Oh damn.

What’s going on? You can’t call it a broken heart. Or can you? We weren’t even together in the first place… and it’s been so long since I last spoke to him. And I’m not even attracted to him. He’s not really fit. He walks round making fun of people and wearing his hat really weird so it looks like he’s got the tower of babel on his head.

And he’s not like other people, who chat up girls and look really fit and make everyone laugh, and look at me sometimes in that special way.

I don’t know what it is. Sometimes I miss him so much that it’s impossible to talk. Sometimes I laugh at myself for ever having liked him.

I’m going over everything that happened, every word we said trying to work out what went wrong.

I know he won’t notice me, that all that will happen is I’ll end up feeling more rejected. So why do I think, each time I approach the corners in the hallways, will he be round this one?

Why do I still feel like it was only yesterday that he walked out of my life? Why am I still giving him pieces of my heart when he doesn’t need them anymore?

With him, it was fun. It was something new. Back then, no one had ever been seriously attracted to me. I was really flattered. Now it’s not like that at all anymore: it’s not fun, it’s not new, he’s not the only one. Why do I keep coming back to him? Singing the same songs, sighing with nostalgia? Why…

It’s the strangest feeling, like part of me is happy and part longing for him. Literally, I’m two people. I smile and laugh on the outside, but inside it’s so different.

It’s tearing me apart. And I know it was my fault for not taking the chances I had.

And I thought it would be easier once I was sure there was no more hope for us, but it’s even harder now I have nothing to hold on to. I’m drifing.

I’m mad.

And that’s why it really hurts… You do it to yourself, you do… and that’s why it really hurts…

The defining songs of 2008

I’ve been seeing a lot of “top songs of 2008″ blogs on music websites lately, and as I’m in no way qualified to write one of these myself (I only used to listen to the mainstream stuff, which is mostly produced in the faceless Factory Bland. Especially Basshunter. How could someone release four songs that sound exactly. the. same?) Anyway, these songs are all mainstream – thank god I’m branching out a bit now – but some of them are good, and they all remind me of different times in the past year.

January-March: Now You’re Gone – Basshunter

Yes, Basshunter himself is a ken doll, and so are his songs. But back then he was something new and this song is actually good, with extremely catchy lyrics. Everyone was singing it, it was on the radio all the time… yes it was bland but face it, the cold of January and February, the boringness, the way I had abslutely no chance with The Guy… bland equaled perfect. And there was nothing better than this annoying europop to accompany me on the French exchange. Which is remembered as a haze of rain, interpersed by rowdy games on the wii “que-est-ce-que tu fait!!??”. Oh, and my partner’s little sister was cute… she kept climbing on me… good times. Oh god it was all so funny… her little brother started beating me up when I won on wii… the way we were climbing in and out of that window… France is cool.

April: Low – Flo rida

Well, April wasn’t the most interesting month of my year. Except I actually had some love. I remember saying, “it’s like something out of somebody else’s life”… only it was my life, and still is. To quit showing off, I chose this song because i remember singing it with my friends at holiday club (there were a lot of little kids there, god do they ever run out of energy??). This song is great to dance to, gets you all exited and it gets in your head – “shawty got low low low low”. The lyrics are clumsy and pretty obscene, but you don’t understand what the guy’s going on about unless you look them up (like me, yes I’m sad). So this is a really good song.

May & June: Black and Gold – Sam Sparro.

May meant one thing: SATs week. Not that I cared. It also meant the first warm days of 2008. It felt like a rebirth, not only because summer had come but because The Guy had also come (to me that is) and was being lovely. I think it was May that somebody said they loved me for the first time… it was fun as well. For some reason people like to tease me, and the teasing kind of got really funny in May. June was more boring, but May was a beautiful month. (June was more boring). And black and gold is of course “our song”. It’s quite a long story why… basically I had to do a speech on this song and afterwards everyone was kind of staring at me and smiling, especially Him, and it just felt like there was a lot there. It might be my imagination, but considering events… that’s unlikely. Black and Gold is one of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard, one of the most moving too. It made me very unhappy though, remembering that time.

July & August: If This is Love – The Saturdays

Saying goodbye hurts, going ice skating with your mates is fun, daydreaming is also pretty cool, splashing on the beach with some friends is great, triumph and dissatisfaction at the same time is confusing… the high sunshine levels and high happiness levels and high heartbreak levels of that summer are perfect for this song, which is simultaneously full of happiness and yearning. It’s a brilliant song.

September: If I Never See Your Face Again – Rihanna ft. Maroon 5

This song absolutely crackles with electricity. It combines anger and attraction, hurt and longing – “cos you keep me coming back for more, and I feel a little better than I did before, If I never see your face again I don’t mind” – but I did mind, and that’s what those first few days of the year meant… the hurt of losing someone. Then I found him down the back of the sofa. And my year got back on track, the chemistry stayed, and I was ready for a whole term of… well, find out.

October & November: Love Lockdown – Kanye West.

It was the best of times because the opposite sex were taking serious notice. It was the worst of times because I was still miraculously in love with The Guy, but I didn’t have a chance to talk to him, hardly ever. It was the winter of discontent because anything I had, I was unsatisfied. I was desperate for attention, but when I got it I was like “yeah… *yawn*”. Kanye’s heavily synthed voice told a tale of love, desperation and feeling trapped.

1 week of November: The Promise – Girls Aloud

I know it may seem strange, but this week was definitely the golden week of my winter (for the reason above) and this reminded me of it. Tell me how does it feel to be massively attractive? Like this… *sings song*

December: The Fear – Lily Allen

December meant study leave and mock exams. It also meant feeling extremely mixed up and messed up. (because… well, see the description for Love Lockdown. It was like that, only wooorse). I just needed someone so much, but it wasn’t gonna work… I walked miles to find him before realising that I couldn’t find him, and swiftly decided that I no longer had a heart.

Right Now: Soon we’ll be found – Sia

During Christmas I realised that I’d “lost sight of the important things in life”. Isn’t it awful when the cliches come true? So that’s why I was unsatisfied. Guys looking at your arse doesn’t mean jack. So, what are the important things? First of all comes hope. You need hope to survive, or you’d be utterly miserable. After a bad day, you need to be able to look to the future. After having your heart crushed, at the very end of your tether, scared and anxious, you need to look at the days ahead, and believe that you can maye them better. Yes we can. Without hope, we would be nowhere. We wouldn’t even be alive. What else is important? Love. True love. The person you love loving you back. Loving your friends. Loving your life. Being happy with things, even if it’s not perfect, because it’s still pretty damn great. So, hope and love. The old cliche, yet again. But the cliche turned out to be true. This is the difference between a bad time and a good time: how you see the things that happen. How you feel inside.

Seeing Psycho

Just lately, I saw Psycho, a film by Alfred Hitchcock.

I was forced do watch it for English class.

I will also be forced to write an essay – “Is Psycho Still a Masterpiece: Discuss”.

I do not usually write essays. I have to write five essays for history, you see. I have done one of them, and I consider that a lot. I will probably fail History, but who gives a shit? Not me. I don’t do work. I’m a lady of leisure.

But just lately, I found my mind engaged. I found myself wanting to write this essay. You see, Psycho had an effect on me nothing else I have seen, or read has ever had. Sure, films have excited me, have made me have nightmares. But no big screen feature length production has ever actually made me feel …sick. Sick and a bit terrified, and a bit amazed. I was doing fine up to the bit when Lila Crane tapped on Mrs. Bates’ shoulder, and the corpse turns around and you see that face with the shriveled skin, and then the man dressed as his mother comes in and you hear that horrible screeching noise again, and then it looks back at the skull and you see the lamplight flickering in the eye sockets…

The shower scene. The famous shower scene. First time I saw it, I was fine. Or I thought I was. Then that veiled figure looming larger and larger started getting to me. It reminds me of speeding death, the unknown, looming larger and larger behind you, like a bird of prey. (Hey, a bird of prey! All them stuffed birds in the parlour… that’s another thing. The more you think about it, the more you see the details.) And then the shower curtain is drawn back and the menace is real, suddenly there. Along with that screeching noise. And then she gets killed, and you see how a human being turns slowly into a corpse.

A week or so back, I stayed in a hotel. I was just about to draw the shower curtain when this awful feeling of fear came over me. It stays with you, this film.

The thing is, it’s just creepy. Worse than those horror flicks you have nowadays, the ones that dwell on violence like it’s a great pleasure. They make you feel physically sick, like you want to vomit. This film makes you feel sick in the head. Somehow the images, like when Lila is running up the hill to the house, or when Mr. Bates is coming after her, and the way he stands next to the house, a long lean figure, and the way he turnes his head like a bird of prey, make you want to turn away. Reject them. Say no, this would never happen, not to me. But you can’t, because unlike most other horror movies, the monster is not a hairy green beast with claws. It is not a chainsaw obsessed maniac that you happen to meet on your travels. The monster isn’t even the murderer.

Let me explain myself. The antagonist was disturbed, but it wasn’t his fault. He was disturbed, mad, had been since childhood. This madness led him to murder. He was an innocent victim, not the monster. The monster was inside his mind, like a maggot at the core of an apple. The film seems to say, this could happen to anyone. Remember the shot of the blood going down the plughole? That plughole is pulling innocence into it, until the innocence turns into darkness.

Psycho, indeed.

Bye

I hate it when things change. I hated it when my best girl friend moved away. having her as a friend was like the calm in the storm, an oasis in the desert. And she moved after five months. Another of my best friends moved just recently. He was a true friend, someone who mde me laugh so much. But most of all, I hate it when somebody you love,and who loved you, forgets about you. He was…is, someone who got past my boundaries and lived in my heart, with his kindness and his laughter and his deep, dark brown eyes. But most of all his love, I’ve never been loved like that before and his rollercoaster swept me away. There was chemistry, a really strong reaction to each other, an explosion that didn’t need fire to fuel it, because we fuelled each other. Now he’s gone. I’ve gone out of his life, and I guess a wind has blown away all his desire for me, and it’s left me feeling cold. He introduced me to a world I didn’t know – the world of having someone love you, who you loved. He played games with me, tiptoeing round me, but I must have slipped past them somehow. I remember the last word I said to him, bye. A simple word and such a casual one, but somehow I imbued it with half a years worth of meaning, half a years worth of love, his and mine. On that sunny day, I watched him walk out of the gates. I would not see him for a month. and, as I know now, he would not see me ever again. At least, not as the person who had set his world into motion. Bye. It’s a curse.

Today, when we finally see each other, I see him but he doesn’t see me. And rather than holding on to a shred of hope that he still remembers those days, I’m moving on. Because there are others. Others who like me, others who I like. There is no point sighing over what ifs, because I guess we were just one of those couples who was always meant to be, but never actually happened. I’m moving on from him, and there are eyes of other colours than brown.

September: the time of year to mend my heart yet again, make new friends and forget the old things. But I hope, I do hope, that I will never be just a face in the crowd for him. Just as he never will be for me.

Friday and saturday

Friday was a really good day. I’m usually really shy, but I guess I was less shy then. Small steps, small steps. The entertaining bit was when Iwas doodling on my excercise book, and so was the persn next to me, and we both got told off, in the mildest possible way.

Then on saturday someone started flirting with me in the Quicksilver shop.
That was kind of fun as well, and I brought a really cool bag. Then I got back from shopping and just sat and read PC world all day, and scoffed lindor chocolates. They’re addictive.

Today, I plan on making my comment form standards compliant. PHP and CSS rock!

Post number one

This is open question. It’s a place for me to blog about whatever I want without any inhibitions, because I’m anonymous. I can’t do that on my main site because everyone knows it’s me. Anyway, I hope you’ll enjoy these uninhibited ramblings and come back at some time or other, even if it’s to laugh at the large number of mistakes I make.